3. Matron Magnet: Contributor--T.

Old women have a penchant for making me very, very uncomfortable. And I am a teenage girl who lacks bladder control. And, yes, these two statements are completely related.

Two stories prove this point. They both end with senior citizens in the buff, so read on!

My family and closest friends take pride in making me pee my pants. They take it as a token of their hilarity. Road trips are the perfect opportunity to earn that accolade, and I have never gone on a road trip without going in my pants.

I clearly hadn't considered the obvious repercussions of wearing gray sweatpants on that fateful California car trip. As was to be expected, my sister made me laugh shortly after we embarked on our family vacation, and, naturally, I peed. The pee mark was pronounced against the light gray of the sweats, yet, cruelly, none of my kin were willing to climb atop our car to access the luggage carrier that contained a change of clothes.

So I did it.

With a pee mark as menacing as a sloth's smile, I climbed on top of my family's SUV, waving the banner of my weak bladder for the world to see. If memory serves me well, I even paused there for a moment, taking the opportunity to savor the feel of the breeze against the dampened cotton. Or maybe not.

I descended the car and hurried to the gas station bathroom. I reached for the handle, my eyes closed in embarrassment. Turning the handle, I could smell the sweet scent of relief intermingled with lemon air freshener and cheap hand soap. I took a step in, opened my eyes, and, "AHHHHH!"

A half-naked old woman smiled up at me from her humble squat on the john. "Oh, dear," she said. She was remarkably calm. "I'll need just a moment."

I changed in the car. I didn't need to go to the bathroom anymore, anyway.

~~~

As previously mentioned, my bladder has given me at least two opportunities to meet scantily-clad old women.

One day while at physical therapy for an injured knee, I suddenly needed to use the restroom. When nature calls, delay is dangerous. Therefore, I promptly answered the urge. I hobbled into the bathroom as quickly as my knee would allow and, "AHHHH!" An old lady stood in the center of the room, completely nude. Since then, I have never been the same.